Monday 31 December 2012

Days 10 to 14: It's Christmas!

Between Saturday to Wed, my feet didn't touch the ground. Hence I didn't get round to writing every day. Partly because we're now fulfilling our 'deal' of waiting until after Xmas to talk again, partly because the best way I've found to cope with this whole situation is to keep busy. And busy I am... ridiculously so:-Xmas decorations, tidying, putting pictures up, Xmas shopping everyday, taking Granny out (oh yes I forgot to say -although I cancelled my family for NY, H wouldn't cancel his mother -so now we've got her to pretend to too -but H assures me:- she knows we've been struggling recently but nothing else. I have not told her anything).. So I carry on with the pretense, telling myself it s the best thing for the boys. And it probably is... ironically, because we re in this weird deal, we are behaving like 2 house guests, very polite with each other, very gentle but undeniably (especially in H's case) very distant -cold. so as a quick summary/pick of my top 5 moments of the past 4 days: 1. Taking the opportunity that H was back in our marital bed ( because of granny in the spare room) to make a move on him and offer sex. The astonishing things about this little fact are that i. I actually felt horny and wanted it ii. I never usually initiate it (a very sore point in our marriage) and iii H always wants (or at least wanted) it. Yet, humiliatingly, he turns me away. 2. Having mother in law take me a apart and deliver a solemn: 'I know what is going on -I want you to know I will not judge you and whatever you will always be the mother of my grandchildren' speech. I was so enraged. How could he have lied to me me about not telling her- how could she think this was an appropriate thing to tell me?! 3. Spending Xmas eve running around in shops because H forgot all about the stockings -not just mine, the boys too! 4. Opening the (only) present I got on Christmas day. A beautiful picture of my boys from H and pretending to be surprised when I already knew that's what I was getting (I read it in his inbox when looking for evidence he might be having an affair) and ii. pretending not to realise this was the ultimate breakup present 5. H being very stressed and pretty horrible over Xmas lunch and me getting drunk throughout the day and pretending not to see his disdain and righteous look of disapproval... All in all... not the best Xmas I've ever spent. let's just hope it is the worse I ever have to endure.

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