Days 15&16: No turning back

After a very surreal Boxing Day drinks party (something else I asked to cancel which H refused) at last every one has gone; not just party guests, but also granny, auntie, uncle, children, dogs... all gone and the house is eerily quiet -just the four of us. We re so exhausted by then, emotionally as well as physically i suspect, that we can hardly move. H seems intent on doing nothing but watch TV -film after film after documentary and firmly determined not to look at me or have anything to do with me. So I sit here, mostly in silence, occasionally offering a comment, even a cup of tea... wondering how long the calm before the storm will last. When I can't bare it any longer I finally ask: so shall we speak then? OK. he says. you start. "What the hell does he mean... I start?! he's the one supposed to be doing the bloody thinking" I tell him so (not the most eloquent or inviting way of putting it I realise) But that doesn't seem to put him off and he has a ready response for me: "I'm not sure I've any more thinking to do. I made my decision and do not intend to change my mind. We just need to agree the details: when you can leave, our financial arrangements and how we tell the boys.." I am stunned. "What's happened to your being confused, and not being sure you re doing the right thing and our agreeing to leave it for a week and then start talking" I cry out. "That was then" he says, "but I m clear. I don t want to be with you. I want a divorce". Now I know this sounds self indulgent, but at that point I felt so... used/abused. I thought we'd made a deal. I was the supporting wife at the funeral, I agreed to the pretense with granny et al over Xmas. I agreed to the drinks party on the basis that we had a deal, but he never meant it. Didn't reconsider anything. did speak to his mother. Incidentally, also found out he spoke to our friends -who he asked me not to talk to on the basis they re both our friends. So I see red, and latch out:- "You bastard, you ask me to trust you you say you care and then you screw me". "You re drunk" he says with disdain, and he s probably right. I have drunk nearly a bottle of wine tonight. But I tell him, it's not the alcohol speaking: it is what I think:- he's a bastard. and a bully. Trying to intimidate into agreeing stuff. Trying to shame me into submission. I will not let him screw me over. I will not let him send me away from my children. I will fight him. I will stay with my children. And that's when he strikes the worse blow yet:- you are not fit to look after them. I have been the prime carer for them for the past 10 years. So we can do this nicely and find you a flat in London and have the children visit you or we can go to court and I will get custody. Clearly I gave as good as I got:- you have looked after them because you were never able to provide for us/your family. I provided for your lifestyle as well as our children, including financing your several failed businesses over the years. We moved to where you wanted to be - not once not twice but about 5 times I have followed with what you decided we should do next and what you wanted. You are lazy ans selfish, and yet again you are taking the most lazy and selfish option -i.e. to get out).etc. etc.. In summary, a big old ugly fight. And as I fought back I saw flickers of doubt in his eyes maybe even fear (of what, I m not sure... that it wasn't going to be as easy as he had hoped? what did he think??). More concerning was the realisation even as I we were arguing, that I wasn't fighting to save my marriage any longer; I too wanted this over. And if H suddenly stopped and turned around and said:- you are right, I am making a stupid mistake, let's start again, I could not bring myself to forgive him for what he had done.. Nor could I ignore the years of built up unhappiness and resentment that was now pouring out of both of us. There was, as they say, no turning back.