Days 17 and 18:- Not a happy new Year

It s a bit like being in that (brilliant) movie:- groundhog day. Every morning is the same: Husband comes into my bedroom, gives out a cheery "good morning" and asks me if I would like a coffee (something he hasn't done in the past...10 years!) I mutter a shy yes, whilst trying to work out what is real and what I might have dreamt. Sadly, I am fully conscious again by the time he comes back with the coffee and know therefore he must have something to tell me... and he does:- he s been doing some thinking. Maybe I am right. Maybe my going away to London and leaving the care to him is not the best option for the boys... maybe we can explore co-parenting, as I suggested last night. So, that's progress, and I try and compose myself to look and sound as positive as I can muster. But from that point onwards, I can t shake the uncomfortable feeling that either he really is confused/clueless and hasn't thought about anything OR I am being craftfully manipulated to his end. And I m struggling to believe it is the former, purely because he's instigated this, and as he has told me, he's been thinking about it for a long time, even sought counselling and advice. So surely he knows what he's doing..? We have to put all this on hold as we go out for dinner on Saturday with the boys and to the Theater to watch a pantomime on Sunday (all these things we were going to do with my family for our New Year celebrations) The Pantomime is actually really funny and we all laugh out loud for over two hours which then only makes me feel awkward if not guilty... How can we, how can I be laughing about when I know what we're just about to do to our children? Shame on me. Finally we have a big argument over what we should do with the boys over New Years eve... H's invited himself to go to his siblings for a party and is trying to get the boys to agree to join him. But I m not invited. What does he think the children will make of it - how naive not to realise that, even before we've told them what s going on, we're putting them in a position where they have to choose who they want to be with! Of course, H doesn't see it like that. In the end, we agree he goes with Big Son and I stay home with Little Son. And that turns out OK. Little Son and I have a lovely evening in front of the telly. Only when it is midnight and I hug and kiss him Happy New Year does the nausea come back, accompanied by a little voice in the back of my head:- "how can you lie to him like this..." it says, "when we both know this is not going to be a happy year, don't we". -