Saturday 5 January 2013

Days 19 and 20: 2 steps forward 3 steps back

We're getting stuck now into a bit of a vicious circle, which, as a true consultant, I can depict as a four step pattern:- Step 1. we are nice and polite to each other -clearly making an effort in this slightly strained but actually pretty positive manner Step 2. strong of our feeling we're making good progress, we start discussing more details of our upcoming separation:- chid care arrangements, housing, finances, etc... and seem to reach a few important agreements Step 3. and then H says something which completely sounds to me like -just because we've been 'getting on' and I've been 'behaving' he s suddenly forgotten how momentous this really is, how big an impact this is likely to have on us and the children and how hurt and upset and angry I must still be. For instance he suddenly announces how flexible he is being given I was originally facing the prospect of losing custody of the children. Or he has misplaced his credit cards and immediately assumes/accuses me of having taken them away. So I have a go. He complains that I should really be more grown up about things "it would be so much easier Bob if you stopped the hurt and angry comments". I explode:- "Well forgive me for not making it any easier for you. Fact is You've dropped this on me less than 2 weeks. You are refusing to even talk about it. You have caused the situation -You live with the consequences -part of which will be that I am hurt, and I upset and I am angry" And so the argument escalates... Step 4. One of us (usually H) walks out. I cry... for several hours (I never realised I could cry so much!!..even during the worse of my depression, I was crying a lot, but nothing like this). Then we pussy-footy around each other until one of us (also usually H) offers an olive branch ("would you like a cup of tea Bob?") and we slowly, wearily, get back to Step 1. In the process, we have several rounds at discussing the key issues:- 1. Childcare. At east H seems to have agreed now that sharing the care of the boys is probably best all around. He could have them Mon-Wed, they would be with me Thur & Fridays and we would alternate week-ends. Not quite 50-50 but in truth most akin to how we are currently running things. 2. Habitation. H seems set on staying put in our house and comes up with all sorts of financial and emotional arguments what I should be the one to move out. We go through the numbers and he convinces me we can afford for him and the boys to stay here and me to rent a nice enough place. We even get on Righmove and start looking at options. Problem is, there is absolutely nothing suitable for me and the boys. The conversation deteriorates when H suggest maybe I should be more willing to "compromise"! 3. Money. Even more contentious than habitation. I am the earner. I have the pension. H tells me he doesn't expect me to look after him yet in the same sentence tells me I need to pay for him to stay in the house with the boys, need to keep on paying for the boys school etc.. & need to share rest of my income and pension with him so he can carry on looking after the boys. The sickly knot in my stomach tightens ever so slightly each time we have these conversations:- H asks me to trust him, assures me that he only has the boys best interests at heart and is not out to screw him (as I put it). Am I being completely paranoid or stupidly naive?? You see I have always been proud of one of my greatest qualities (and sometimes downfall):- I am very sensitive, in touch with my and other's emotions and most astute in reading people and situations... But now I find myself completely clueless:- I have no idea really what is going on, am unable to gauge what is real and what isn't and feel incapable of making sound judgements let alone taking any decision. Yet we are pressing on at pace:- tomorrow we are going to our first mediation meeting. God help me.

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